Fastest Way To A Man’s Heart

I’d like to settle a misconception once and for all. I’m tired of lovesick romantics filling the internet with blatantly erroneous bullshit about the human anatomy.

You may look at me and think I am not qualified to offer an opinion on the matter. True, I do not have a medical degree. In fact, I never graduated from high school. Still, I consider myself an expert on this subject due to my first hand experience after many years of ripping and tearing to get at the heart of the matter in the most expedient way.

Contrary to what you may have heard, the fastest way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It is through his rib cage.

So there. If you want me to prove it, hotfoot it on down to Zombie Mall. You know, it used to be called Willowbrook Mall, but we renamed it.

It’s lunch time and I’m about to crack open a human as soon as one comes along. If you hurry, you can get a ring side seat.

If you like to be scared, try Billy Wells’ Scary Stories-Volume 1 by clicking the cover below:

SOMETHING IN THE ATTIC
Norma went to the attic to get her costume for Halloween. After reading from an old book that belonged to a grandma who was burned at the stake during the Salem witch trials, she lapsed into unconsciousness.
FIDO
George lost his job and needs to leave his hometown and start a new life. A rich recluse seems like an easy target to get fast cash except for a sign on the wall surrounding her estate, “Beware of Fido”.
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
Four friends make New Year’s resolutions to overcome phobiaseach of them have in the coming year. A month later, three of them have met with unexplained deaths, and the survivor keeps having nightmares that they were murdered.
RED HATS MASQUERADE BALL
A retired psychopath’s favorite past time is wreaking havoc on people she doesn’t know. She can’t wait to blind and disfigure a group of ladies with an exploding gag gift at their upcoming Halloween party.
THE ICE MAN
A woman and her boy friend try to convince her bridge partner that her husband is an infamous hit man who has a reputation for unspeakable acts and cruelty.
THE MAKEOVER
A plastic surgeon seeks revenge for being framed by a malicious, wealthy client who bribes the judge, jury, the attorneys, and the warden to make sure he serves hard time in prison for ten years.
THE BLIZZARD
Helen’s Christmas holiday with her husband at her parents’ secluded estate is disrupted by the worst blizzard in over thirty years on the very night a maniac has escaped from the local asylum.
IT LURKS ON THE MOUNTAIN
Three hunters are missing and bloody body parts of headless torsos have been found at Widow’s Peak. Is there really a hairy monster on the mountain or is Bubba Rexrode up to his old tricks?
COLD CALLS
Mortimer will stop at nothing to find new clients for a failing funeral parlor business passed down to him by his ruthless father.
THE TOMB
The museum director has offered Brian one last chance to keep the job he has held only because of his father’s legendary accomplishments. His must find the last undiscovered Egyptian Pharaoh’s tomb, despite ancient beliefs that breaking the seal will bring death to all mankind.

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